Anger

Obstacles to overcoming anger

Most of us don’t want to have angry outbursts, but there are obstacles that get in the way. Look deeper than anger management and get to the root, so you can stay peaceful not just on the outside but also in your heart.

1- We justify it.
You might know the term “righteous indignation” for the times when we really should be angry. The problem is, in the moment when we’re angry, we’re not so good at discerning what is righteous or not. In the moment, all anger feels justified. Anger is a way of saying “this isn’t right.”
Solution: Use God’s wisdom, not your own. Let go of what feels right in the moment. Remember God wants you to “put off” anger (Ephesians 4:26,31).

2- We try to change things by force.
Anger is often about trying to control. You might have feelings like “I love you but I don’t love what you’re doing” and try to change the person by force. It might look like the only two options are soft weakness and loud harshness, and being soft doesn’t cut it- but there’s another way. From what we know about the brain, the prefrontal cortex is where you do reasoning, and the amygdala is where you experience emotion. If you let your emotional side take over, it usually makes more problems.
Solution: Stop and think! Don’t speak the first thing that comes to your mind. Find a firm and logical way to state your point, if anything needs to be said. One way to shift out of that emotional state is taking a breath. (Look up the 5 second rule.)

3- We want to vent.
Anger also has a feeling of venting- when you don’t feel good about keeping your emotions in. Maybe you actually feel better after raising your voice. The problem is, the other person doesn’t feel better. Rather than looking at their own behavior and wanting to change, they’re looking at your behavior and how you should change. (And if they’re the type to argue, it snowballs into a fight.) Sometimes when a person quietly listens to our anger, we feel better, as if we’ve accomplished something. But is it really the best way? Chances are you’ve had someone angry with you, and it doesn’t feel good. When parents yell at their children, it’s not emotionally healthy. And not so good for your relationship with them.
Solution: Realize you don’t have to vent, to feel better. Choose to surrender your anger to God. Let go and accept His peace in your heart and with others (Colossians 3:15).

4- We’ve learned the wrong tools.
Our parents, other family members, and other people we’re around have a subconscious influence on us. The tones they use, we pick up. Some people tell themselves they won’t be like their parents. They say they won’t make the same mistakes- then they find themselves exploding in anger.
Solution: Overcome bad examples by doing your own practice. What we’ve seen other people do, and what we’ve allowed ourselves to do, has become habit. We can overcome if we put in the time and effort to re-train ourselves. (I’ll get to this at the end.)

5- We don’t plan ahead for triggers & conditions that provoke anger.

• Trigger words or actions of someone else
  *Someone starting a sentence with “You…” and then something not-so-positive
  *Children whining or backtalking
• Conditions when you’re irritable
  *Feeling stressed!
  *Feeling tired
  *Feeling sad about a heavy situation
  *Who knows? (when you just wake up feeling irritable- probably hormones)
  For all these, use meditation/NLP/EFT. Do your best to find breaks when you can clear out negative thoughts and focus on positive things.

We can’t always change our conditions, or the words/actions of another person, but we can train our own minds to be peaceful and resilient.

Wrapping it up…

Visualize yourself in the situation, something you’ve been in before.
Think of letting go. Think of your firm-but-not-harsh response, something persuasive but not forceful or dramatic. (If your issue is with parenting, see Amy McCready for good responses.) Think of an “anchor” (see here) that you can use in the moment when it actually comes up- something that won’t be too obvious to the other person- holding between your eyes, placing your hand on the side of your face, or maybe turning and covering your mouth if you need to stop thoughtless angry responses.

Again think of the trigger, then use your “anchor” and take a breath. (this is like the 5 second rule to shift your brain)

Go through a script right now… later when the situation comes up, you might not have time to go through it, but your mind will remember the association & be able to resolve your feelings, the more you apply this.

Here’s a script you can use:

I’m feeling angry right now. I feel justified; this just isn’t right. I want to change the situation, and it feels like the only way is raising my voice. Right now I’d probably feel better if I do raise my voice- but I know I’d regret it later.

What if I don’t have to raise my voice? What if there’s a better way?

I don’t have to vent, and I don’t have to be forceful to be persuasive.

I choose peace. I choose joy.

“Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” — James 1:19